Funny and clever piece from Paul Brodsky of QB Asset Management re-imagining business television in 2013, and then again in 2024. It’s long, so only the first part is before the page jump:
Business TV 2013
Television Studio – A chipper woman, pretty and big-eyed, is perched on a high stool, long legs dangling as attendants work furiously on her hair and makeup. We hear a loud scream:
VOICE OVER: FIVE SECONDS!
The attendants scurry off. The woman holds a mirror to her face for one last look. She sits up straight and lets out a loud soprano shriek. Flood lights spin randomly behind her. She freezes with a broad smile on her face.
A LOUD HORN HONKS.
VOICE OVER: AND NOW IT’S TIME FOR MONEY ON THE TENS! YOUR HOURLY UPDATE OF BUSINESS AND FINANCIAL NEWS WITH REPORTER, BITZY BLATHER!
BLATHER: Good afternoon again! Its 10 after two in the East and here’s your money update! Checking the Dollar’s value, at 2:10 it takes $10,250 to buy an ounce of gold. Justin Beiber signed on to star in John Cameron’s “Hindenburg”, scheduled for release in 2015. The film’s budget is unknown of course so all acting and production contracts are being valued as a percentage of the final take.
Technology companies continue to try desperately to spend their cash hoards as fast as they can because they continue to lose purchasing value. Apple just announced the purchase of Shake Shack franchise licensing agreements from Danny Meyer for $35 billion. Payment was made yesterday and Meyer reportedly converted his take into gold between $9,900 and $10,100 per ounce.
Google announced a few minutes ago that it successfully cloned a live Unicorn from a drawing taken from co-founder Sergei Brin’s daughter’s second grade homework assignment.
The fallout from last month’s three-hundred billion dollar merger of CBS, ABC, NBC and Fox continues! The New York Times reports that the newly formed DinoMedia Group discharged Katie Couric, Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly citing their health insurance costs exceeded firm-wide revenues.
On a related matter, CableVision announced the sale of the New York Times to Frank Rich. Terms were not disclosed.
At 2:11, an ounce of gold can be had for $10,201.
Private equity firm Kohlberg, Kravis, Roberts announced that it has completed buying back half its outstanding debts across all funds. The debt, amounting to only $50 billion, was satisfied by interest received in the first half of this year from KKR’s $100 billion floating rate note issued in 2011.
Last year’s sale of the US Air Force to JP Morgan is being challenged by Ralph Nader.
BLATHER SHAKES HER HEAD PATRONIZINGLY AND CHUCKLES.
BLATHER: You may recall Nader also challenged Goldman Sachs’ purchase of the US Navy last year, which was summarily dismissed by a Securities arbitrator.
And finally, President Palin confirmed this morning that she is quitting. In a rose garden announcement, the President denied THE GREAT INFLATION and 47%unemployment as the cause of her decision, instead citing her preference to spend more time with her family and a juicy job offer from Morgan Stanley.
And now for your daily inflation tip! Using mass transit doesn’t only help save the environment, it also protects your purchasing power! You pay for a bus ride when you board but you pay for a cab when you’re dropped off!
At 2:12, an ounce of gold is trading for $10,247 an ounce.
And now back to Perky Platt and Carl Curmudgeon on the floor amid the mongers at the New York Stock and Fish Exchange!
A LOUD HORN HONKS.
FADE TO BLACK.
Business TV 2024
Television Studio – A middle-aged woman, plain and pleasant, sits behind a modest desk quietly reading through papers and punching numbers into a small calculator.
We hear a soft male voice:
VOICE OVER: Ten Seconds
The woman writes notes and arranges her papers. She sits up straight, clears her throat and speaks softly to her director through her lapel mike. The soft voice again…
VOICE OVER: Welcome back to the Daily Commercial Enterprise Review, sponsored by a generous grant from the Middle Seaboard Equity Pensioners Group. Now today’s analyst, Dr. Dorothy Sphenster, Head of Strategy and Non-Managerial Oversight for US Plaines Healthcare Facilities.
SPHENSTER: Good evening. I was last on channel 1756 two years ago and it’s a pleasure to be back. This evening I’d like to spend the first five minutes of the broadcast reviewing the past week’s commercial and financial highlights across global domains and industries, and then I plan to spend the final five minutes analyzing the prospects for cash flow generation over the next five years within the enzyme processing industry. Please refer to www.DCER.com for more comprehensive analysis and postings.
To begin, data analyzed over the past month and posted this morning by the Bureau of Global Statistics suggests migration to the CanAmex Plaines region slowed further, as lower and middle income jobs in transportation and education fields approached capacity. In its appended commentary, BOGS believes wage equilibrium levels suggest capacity in these fields remains abundant in interior India and across sub-Saharan Africa. Job availability also remains robust in these industries within small pockets across all populated continents.
BOGS also reported today that the global work week declined from 21.35 hours to 21.33 hours last month, and that global goods and service prices and wages declined by .02 grams. Affordability remained high and relatively stable across regions.
Meanwhile, the Pan-Asian Data Board reports the breakthrough treatment for Lupus last year shows continued absorption and success across all global populations. In a report issued today, the PADB cited cure rates approaching 95%, which it believes greatly exceeds the pace of global absorption for Type 1 diabetes ten years ago.
The European Abacus Society posted today that rare element production continued strong in June, with resources in China, northern CanAmex, Afghanistan and Siberia on track to satisfy global battery demand. Natural gas, solar, wind, geo-thermal and wave energy production continued to increase as a share of worldwide energy generation, comprising 92.7% in June. The EAS projects complete conversion of energy sources from fossil fuels is on target for December 2027.
In corporate news, Transocean Offshore Fisheries reported its June harvest rose 1%, year over year, in line with global demand growth. Grouper, swordfish and catfish were particularly bountiful said a company spokesman. You may recall Sri Lankan fish yields rose only .5% last month, implying Transocean may gain market share among distributors in the coming weeks, depending upon consumer taste preferences.
On another note, Viet Desalinization Technologies announced today that potable water output last month exceeded demand by 3%, and that it had sold its excess to Asian and Middle Eastern domains at a 5% discount to spot prices online. Its accrued global welfare points already exceed the company’s pre-year objective. VDT’s chief executive, Ho Minh, said the Board is mulling how best to spend its points. It has been rumored the Firm intends to trade them for domestic housing tax credits.
CanAmex elected a new president today. Writer and advocate Brittany Flynn was elected on line today between 12 and 2 PM. As promised, she immediately took a hiatus from her professorship at Texas A&M to oversee the affairs of State through next year. She spent the afternoon in briefings. Dr. Flynn campaigned over the last few weeks to erect more fisheries beyond the horizon off the Baja coast. She took the oath today online from her home in Bozeman, Montana.
In finance, global equity market capitalization rose 0.02% today, as investors responded favorably to various commercial reports. No material innovation was announced and no discernable trends within the markets appeared.
And finally, a melancholy note: as expected, IBM – the once mighty International Business Machines that created large mainframe computers in the 1950s — today announced plans to auction all remaining unencumbered assets. IBM survived dramatic technological change throughout its corporate life, including competitive miniaturization and commoditization of computer hardware, which ultimately pushed the firm into a platform company model. IBM’s passing marks the end of the great turn-of-the-century platform companies — those that generated substantial revenues by arranging widespread global production, marketing and distribution without owning any factors of production. Most platformers died out during the 2011 Great Inflation, when their lack of manufacturing capabilities and inventory left them without pricing power. Items available at auction are mostly of souvenir value and may be found, along with the auction’s particulars, on line at the firm’s website.
And now for a brief summary of my latest resea
rch on how enzyme processing poses bright commercial prospects…