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January 4, 2009

Dave Barry on 2008

I’ll confess to a guilty pleasure in Dave Barry’s annual year-end reviews, and this one is no different.

SEPTEMBER

…But the presidential campaign is soon overshadowed by the troubled economy. The federal government is finally forced to take over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac after they are caught selling crack at a middle school. But that is not enough, as major financial institutions, having lost hundreds of billions of dollars thanks to years of engaging in practices ranging from questionable to moronic, begin failing, which gives the federal government an idea: Why not give these institutions MORE hundreds of billions of dollars, generously provided by taxpayers?

And so it comes to pass that in . . .

OCTOBER

. . . Congress passes, and Technically Still President Bush signs, the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008, and everyone heaves a sigh of relief as the economy stabilizes for approximately 2.7 seconds, after which it resumes going down the toilet. As world financial markets collapse like fraternity pledges at a keg party and banks fail around the world, the International Monetary Fund implements an emergency program under which anybody who opens a checking account anywhere on earth gets a free developing nation.

…

Speaking of grim things, in . . . DECEMBER

. . . the National Bureau of Declaring Things That Make You Go "Duh" declares that the nation has been in a recession since December 2007. The bureau also points out that, according to its statistical analysis, "for some time now, bears apparently have been going to the bathroom in the woods."

More here.

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