Dear Hedge Fund Investors, Not-So-Sorry About That

Otto: [practicing his apology] Oh, I’m so very, very, very sssssssss …. Fuck You!
      — A Fish Called Wanda (1988)

The WSJ has done a nice job of collecting all the supposed apology letters to investors from various quant hedge fund managers concerning their recent crummy performance. Trouble is, a) it’s way too much reading, and b) there aren’t really any apologies to be found.

So, in the spirit of public helpfulness for which I’m known, here is an MS Word auto-summarized version of all the letters combined. And that is followed by a tag cloud of the 40 most popular words (“apologize” and “sorry” not being among them).

First, the two-sentence Auto-Summarize summary of the 3,085 words of hedge fund manager non-apology. I’m particularly fond of how in the midst of all the non-apologies MS Word captures the preemptive marketing going on:

To that end, we’ve already seen increased client demand for our aggressive market-neutral equity fund. From speaking with our colleagues and large allocators in the market-neutral space, we understand that many market-neutral funds have suffered 5-to-15% losses so far in August.

And now, the top 40 words from the non-apology letters (with, once again, “apologize” and “sorry” not being among them) in a tag cloud, with bigger and bolder corresponding to usage frequency:


  1. Todd Allen says:

    Ha! If nothing else, that is a fantastic way to paraphrase.

  2. we dont need apology letters — we need good return or regulators should come to rescue from any scandals.

  3. That’s very clever. Hmm, is “liquidations” a synonym for “AAA securities which turned out to be POO rated, instead.”

  4. franklin stubbs says:

  5. Best use of a tag cloud. Ever.

  6. Thanks Jeremy. The more I look at it, the more I like it too ….

  7. Clever, Paul…

  8. brilliant!